What to do on Gameday

Preseason game--give a certain appendage to Shea Weber and don't look at Semyon Varlamov. The pressure of extra eyes may cause him to pull his groin.

Hershey game--go up to Hershey, Pennsylvania, sporting your Tyler Sloan t-shirt or jersey. Cheer hard, come back home, and grumble on Japers' Rink about how Mathieu Perreault looked so good and deserves to play in the NHL.

Capitals home game (regular season)--read mildly humorous blog posts. Go to the game. Try to eat and go to the bathroom beforehand so you don't have to at Verizon Center.

Capitals road game (regular season)

• At Atlanta--rag on Dustin Byfuglien before he plays shutdown on Alex Ovechkin. Look at Tobias Enstrom and wish the Capitals could find two late-round top-pairing defensemen.
• At Florida--feel sad for Tomas Vokoun, covet Stephen Weiss, and try to learn the names of their star players. Also, keep insulting them while I try and defend them using Corsi and scoring chances.
• At Carolina--make sour faces at Eric Staal, watch Joni Pitkanen's skating, feel sorry about how you thought Jeff Skinner had skating issues. Go to the bathroom before you look at their logo.
• At Tampa Bay--admire Steven Stamkos and Martin St. Louis, find flaws with Dan Ellis who maddeningly for me had posted even strength save percentage numbers to the contrary.
• At Pittsburgh--do this. Don't reveal your secret crush on Sidney Crosby in public. Whoop Sergei Gonchar from your couch. Ponder what noise Penguins make. Try to mimic a choking penguin. Go to Pensburgh. Mute the Pittsburgh feed.
• At Philadelphia--revel in that Stanislav Galiev's early comparable is Claude Giroux. Hate Mike Richards for being a pain in the rear end of Alex Ovechkin for all eternity. Despise Chris Pronger for being the real Mr. Nasty. Be jealous that Sergei Bobrovsky doesn't have an injury-prone crotch area. After the game, go to Broad Street Hockey and argue why Mike Green is better than Chris Pronger.
• At New Jersey--laugh at Ilya Kovalchuk and Martin Brodeur before they show you they can still play. Admire the guy who made me shout "YES!!!!" in the middle of a cold winter night earlier this year, Zach Parise. Or laugh. It depends on the decade season.
• At New York (Rangers)--drool over Ryan Callahan, Brandon Dubinsky, and Marc Staal. Watch these linked videos in order several times. Feel nostalgia. And then curse the Penguins.
• At New York (Islanders)--laugh, before you realize that the Islanders always play the Capitals really tight. Then remember Milbury, revoking Botta's credentials, and firing Gordon, and laugh again.
• At Boston--feel schadenfreude at Tim Thomas. Mute Jack Edwards.
• At Montreal--crawl out from under the sofa when you remember Jaroslav Halak got traded. Then crawl back when you realize Carey Price is hot. Then come back out and photoshop PK Subban on the left and John Carlson on the right.
• At Buffalo--mute if you're on the Buffalo feed.
• At Toronto--laugh at the Phil Kessel deal. Covet Francois Beauchemin. Go to Pension Plan Puppets.
• At Ottawa--play Super Mario Bros. 3 and Double Dragon on your SNES...wait, you don't have one?
• At Chicago--press mute if the game is in Chicago.
• At Detroit--try and appreciate Nicklas Lidstrom and the Red Wings' beautiful style of play even when they're dominating the Capitals.
• At Nashville--flick off Shea Weber.
• At Columbus--try and guess which Jacket McPhee will steal acquire next.
• At St. Louis--start Varlamov in your fantasy team because he'll Halak Halak.
• At Edmonton--try not to laugh hyster...HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
• At Minnesota--make sure any ropes nearby are safely stowed away. You don't want to accidentally choke your pet rock or anything.
• At Calgary--Watch turtle videos on YouTube. You won't miss anything.
• At Vancouver--Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! Not.
• At Colorado--Laugh at Tomas Fleischmann, more invisible than dark matter.
• At Los Angeles--Hide. Unless Drew Doughty is out, or Michal Neuvirth is facing Jonathan Bernier.
• At San Jose--Hide. It'll be close but won't turn out well.
• At Phoenix--read over Paul Bissonnette's tweets for some laughs before Ilya Bryzgalov either posts a spectacular game or lets Alex Ovechkin score a hat trick.
• At Dallas--forego the CSN feed in favor of FSN Dallas, or CSN video on mute with Dallas radio. Seriously.
• At Anaheim--start DJ King on your fantasy team for some major PIMs.

Capitals home game (playoffs)--be thankful the Capitals make the playoffs.

Capitals home game (playoffs, Game 7)--go to the game. Bring tissues for four, minimum.